I had the MOST disturbing dream last night. Yuck! It felt so real. I couldn't shake it- all night I would wake up & then go right back into it. I dreamed that my husband left me for this skinny, perky blond with no kids. I would watch them run together (he doesn't run) and laugh and carry on like life is GOOD! He was all fit & muscley-like & thrilled about her cooking. He went on & on about her home made waffles. Home made fucking waffles? I cook for him EVERY SINGLE DAY! In the dream, he claimed HER waffles were the reason he became so fit. Waffles as diet plan? OK.
kill kill.
Several times I found myself screaming at him (I've NEVER screamed at him in life) that we are broken! BROKEN! And HE broke us! It was always in odd places from my past and their were people from all parts of my life-- past & present all grouped together in these odd locations that they would never be ordinarily. For example, a bunch of parents & teachers from my children's former school were gathered in MY old high school gym...like at the eighth grade dance (?) while this hideous scene between my husband & I played out. I remember screaming while catching a glimpse of my son's former 3rd grade teacher. It was shortly after that I met up with HIM.
What the hell is going on in my head?
I actually ended up starting a relationship during this disaster that was the end of my marriage. What? It was a boy, now a man, from high school that I had a closeted crush on for years. We got it on at my Dad's house (eeew!!) in my former bedroom & then I found myself pregnant. Yeah. So, I'm pregnant with my 5th child and living with my father while my husband has left me for the blond waffle maker & my kids are displaced from their home that my husband has claimed for himself & miss waffle, the home that doesn't exist in life mind you, and my poor children are waking up every morning soaked from wetting their beds b/c their mother is too preoccupied with her pregnancy & heart ache to remember to take them to the bathroom!!
Why would I run to someone else instead of taking care of my children? I jumped into this new situation while completely disregarding the reality of the disaster in front of me...And then I went & made it worse, MUCH worse. So, here I am, knocked up with some guys kid and I'm trying to figure out how the hell it all happened. Some guy that I could give a flying flip about & now I'm panicking & thinking the A word (which I would Never consider in life- No judgment). I remember feeling the shame of the world. I had tremendous guilt for my awful choices and all the time feeling also like a victim. Like, how could this happen to me? How could this be MY life? What did I do to deserve this? Yet, much of it was my fault.
At one point my grandparents, who I adore, looked at me with such pity. I wanted to die. I just felt so trapped. How could I be here? It was then that I identified with other people going through a divorce or split of sorts. My husband would try to reconcile here and there, and I would just unleash this ANGER from deep inside me. It was frightening...how much was there that I couldn't harness. I recognized that once you say or do that ONE thing, that's it. It's the tipping point and you can't EVER go back. Your life as you once knew it is over. Expectations gone. Memories scarred.
And then you are pregnant, living with your douche bag absent parent from your childhood that is now influencing YOUR children, with no money, no partner, and the cherry on the sundae is that your husband looks and feels better than ever...with someone else.
I woke up.
I was laying in between my 13 month old & 4 year old. My husband came in to kiss me goodbye, like he does every morning. I almost puked. Part of me wanted to jump up and hold him until all of the dread from the previous nights unrest left my body. The other part of me wanted to sock him...again and again. I managed to ask him about his little blond chippy & the magic diet waffles as he edged closer to my bedside.
He grinned a queer grin and whispered smugly into my ear,
"You've got it ALL wrong. She would have been a red head."
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