seaside end of summer retreat...ahhh.... and the world shifts.
Nothing like a day at the beach to dust off the cobwebs of monotony. I am utterly at peace. Even the laundry can't get me down. No no. So what, we brought half the beach home with us? Yay sand!
Occasional, you need to leave home, only to come back with a deeper appreciation for all that exists within those walls of your own making. Now and then, you need a sledgehammer to crack a nut : )
It's all too much. Keeping up all the appearances, the friendships, the requisite this that & the other thing. I'm in burn out mode.
I'm laying low... again.
Big changes are on the horizon & I am full tilt riddled with anxiety. The intensity of my life is at a fever pitch most days. And my life is as normal as can be. It's not any one thing or any one person that is all too much...I just reach the tipping point, and I need to check out for a while. No phone, no screen, just me.
Is that true?
No.
It's NEVER just me, is it? It's the 4 kids, breakfast, lunch & dinner, laundry, broken cars, the introductory offer on the wireless service about to expire, the relationship, the breaking up of arguments, the cruise directing, the calendar, the dentist, the stupid crab that nobody feeds, the phone that still rings & many unanswered messages mounting up, and then, the inevitable guilt.
Guilt, I hate you.
It always comes. Can we ever truly drop out...even for a little while without that hideous tag along?
Do I really need to check out? Why do I get so overwhelmed with the daily grind? No one else gets the luxury of a vacation from their life, why should I? Why can't I just rise to the occasion...everyday? I'm lucky. Blessed. What the hell is my problem?
Anxiety begets anxiety.
I am trying to hide. Escape. From what? People. Obligations. Friends. But while I'm in hiding, there is no real recharging of sorts. No relaxation. Just guilt & paranoia, and the thumbing through my mental rolodex of excuses for all those unanswered messages.
What is my excuse?
Why do I keep putting myself in this position? This happens 3 or 4 times-ish a year. Leading up to my self imposed seclusion, I can feel the walls closing in. The mounting pressure. Will it ever be possible for me to accept this cycle & just be in it?
Will I keep up the excuses? What does that mean? It means that I have people in my life who expect things of me that I can't always deliver. The intensity is overwhelming. I then feel compelled to make it OK. Enter the excuses:
Things have been so crazy! I've been so tired. The kids... The baby... So much to do... Days turn into weeks... I miss you! Lets get together...wah wah wah wah (although this is sincere, I feel like it sounds like a Charlie Brown episode!)
Who wants a friend that checks out on them? Wouldn't you think it's personal? Isn't it personal? And then I feel bad because I then begin feel isolated when no one returns my calls. No friends. Duh!
This is beginning to have a little passive aggressive wash to it...but is it?
What a world.
The time is here for being straight It's not too early and never too late People say I should watch my pace (What do they know?) Think how you spend all your days (They all say so) They'll just have to wait and see (Wait and see) If things go right they'll have to agree
Oh, what a world this life would be Forget all your technicolour dreams Forget modern nature This is how it's meant to be
I'm a mom on the road of life. Along the way I often hit a bump or two. This is my outlet to let it all out. It's not pretty. It's not careful. It's real. My real life. Welcome!
