Sometimes I feel the walls closing in...
It's all too much. Keeping up all the appearances, the friendships, the requisite this that & the other thing. I'm in burn out mode.
I'm laying low... again.
Big changes are on the horizon & I am full tilt riddled with anxiety. The intensity of my life is at a fever pitch most days. And my life is as normal as can be. It's not any one thing or any one person that is all too much...I just reach the tipping point, and I need to check out for a while. No phone, no screen, just me.
Is that true?
No.
It's NEVER just me, is it? It's the 4 kids, breakfast, lunch & dinner, laundry, broken cars, the introductory offer on the wireless service about to expire, the relationship, the breaking up of arguments, the cruise directing, the calendar, the dentist, the stupid crab that nobody feeds, the phone that still rings & many unanswered messages mounting up, and then, the inevitable guilt.
Guilt, I hate you.
It always comes. Can we ever truly drop out...even for a little while without that hideous tag along?
Do I really need to check out? Why do I get so overwhelmed with the daily grind? No one else gets the luxury of a vacation from their life, why should I? Why can't I just rise to the occasion...everyday? I'm lucky. Blessed. What the hell is my problem?
Anxiety begets anxiety.
I am trying to hide. Escape. From what?
People. Obligations. Friends.
But while I'm in hiding, there is no real recharging of sorts. No relaxation. Just guilt & paranoia, and the thumbing through my mental rolodex of excuses for all those unanswered messages.
What is my excuse?
Why do I keep putting myself in this position? This happens 3 or 4 times-ish a year. Leading up to my self imposed seclusion, I can feel the walls closing in. The mounting pressure. Will it ever be possible for me to accept this cycle & just be in it?
Will I keep up the excuses?
What does that mean? It means that I have people in my life who expect things of me that I can't always deliver. The intensity is overwhelming. I then feel compelled to make it OK. Enter the excuses:
Things have been so crazy!
I've been so tired.
The kids...
The baby...
So much to do...
Days turn into weeks...
I miss you! Lets get together...wah wah wah wah (although this is sincere, I feel like it sounds like a Charlie Brown episode!)
Who wants a friend that checks out on them? Wouldn't you think it's personal? Isn't it personal? And then I feel bad because I then begin feel isolated when no one returns my calls. No friends. Duh!
This is beginning to have a little passive aggressive wash to it...but is it?
What a world.
The time is here for being straight
It's not too early and never too late
People say I should watch my pace (What do they know?)
Think how you spend all your days (They all say so)
They'll just have to wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right they'll have to agree
Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your technicolour dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be
Du-dam-dam-duru-dam..
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5 comments:
You are right it is the four kids that you could remember:
1. Remember when you feel guilty: Daniel: GOD IS MY JUDGE
Matthew 11:30 28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
2. Remember when Anxious about the future:
Beatrice: Voyager through life
Lily: The flower
Matt 6:27-32
27And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the [w]span of his life?(B)
28And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and [x]learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin.
29Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his [y]magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these. [I Kings 10:4-7.]
30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith?
31Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear?
32For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all.
3.Remember when you are feeling dark, cold, and burnt out
Keegan: Fiery One
Psalm 119:105
By your words I can see where I'm going;
they throw a beam of light on my dark path.
I've committed myself and I'll never turn back
from living by your righteous order.
Everything's falling apart on me, God;
put me together again with your Word.
Festoon me with your finest sayings, God;
teach me your holy rules.
My life is as close as my own hands,
but I don't forget what you have revealed.
And when you are feeling vulnerable, fragile, easily broken remember:
Liam: the great protector
Psalm 91:14-16
"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
I'll tell you what. Some of the days I am most stressed out are the days I am home and not working. These should be the days to relax - days off. Not so. These "non-work" days are simply the times I switch back to my primary job as wife and mother. And the daily grind is stressful. For me friendships are few and far between. Sadly I haven't the time for them, not at this point in my life. Will the stress ever dissipate? Who knows. For now we all need to rant a little and then get on with our lives. :o)
I came across your blog through I think a comment you left on Soule Mama, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I get on the computer and the internet takes me on journeys and I end up far from the place where I started.
I have so much to say about this post and I feel I can say it because I so often feel as you described. But I really think you should lose the guilt. It's not a bad thing to need a little quiet. It's not a bad thing to let the machine pick up a few phone calls here and there. It's not a bad thing to ditch some friends when life gets hectic. It's not a bad thing to hate the thought of going back into the kitchen and making another meal for the kids. It's not a bad thing to hate the daily grind. It's human.
My biggest pet peeve with my family was always that I couldn't seem to go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door, or worse yet, just comin' on in. Even my husband would do it! One day I just blew up and yelled, "Is it so much to ask to be able to pee without an audience?!"
Deep breaths.
Kick the family out of the bathroom and relax.
:)
Thanks for the comments. They made my day.
When I started this blog I did it out of necessity, almost like therapy. I thought the act of getting it out would be the cathartic part, and it is. But really, your comments did more. Much more. Thank you. It's nice to have some company in this funny little life.
I started my blog for the same reason. I needed to vent and never really thought anyone would read it. It's so nice to know people do though, and that they can relate.
Sometimes I wonder how I stayed sane so long without the blog and the community that came with it.
:)
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